


If I told you what I was, Would you turn your back on me?

by Starsinthenightskies



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Demon Baby, F/F, I tried tho, Idk what i'm doing, Lilith is angsty as hell, Lilshotgun breadcrumbs, One Shot, This is a character study of sorts, it's the first time i post I'm scared, it's there, me dealing with my gay crush mostly, my mind just went WHAT IF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:21:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25707328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starsinthenightskies/pseuds/Starsinthenightskies
Summary: “We have to go.” Lilith said, her stance relaxed and mask of indifference back in place as if nothing had happened. Her stomach disagreed though, churning with guilt and shame and making her feel sick.Just what had she become? And why couldn’t she remember what had happened to her?orLilith tries to come to terms with her trip to Hell and the things it left her with while being on the run.
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun), sort of - Relationship
Comments: 13
Kudos: 54





	If I told you what I was, Would you turn your back on me?

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first time publishing a fanfiction and I hope everything goes well. I watched Warrior Nun one too many times and that ending ruined me, sooo here ya go! The characters might be ooc but this is really how I envision them. Any sort of feedback is really appreciated, I hope you enjoy this! With no furder ado, have a good read.
> 
> Side note: English is not my first language, so there may be some mistakes. If you find any, let me know!

Mary disappeared from their line of sight, drowned in a myriad of possessed bodies. Her screams echoed in Lilith’s mind. Something within her stirred, halting her racing thoughts and bringing a deep sense of dangerous clarity. Her senses sharpened and her nails became claws. 

She watched her body move on its own towards the pile of people. A terrible roar shook the place, and it took a few seconds for Lilith to realize that it had come from her own throat.

Time seemed to stop as the Wraiths turned their gaze toward her. All their victims did the same. 

Her eyes started burning like fire. Lilith felt her other self challenging the demons and without needing to look, she knew her sisters were behind her, ready to fight.

They jumped into action as one, slashing, hitting and kicking at everyone and everything that came into their way. The fight felt endless, yet in no time the girls found themselves back to back, forming a circle around Mary to protect her. 

Suddenly, Ava screamed Beatrice’s name and the world went white. Lilith tried to shy away from the light, feeling it burning her skin. An involuntary gasp of pain escaped her lips.

When it died down and the half demon was finally able to move without her head spinning like crazy, she turned to Adriel last was, only to find both him and Father Vincent gone. 

Absentmindedly Lilith noticed her sisters run to an injured Mary, but no matter how much she wanted to join them, her body did not move from its spot. 

Her senses expanded beyond the humanly possible, scanning this world for signs of where the demon might have gone with little luck. The trail stopped just outside of Vatican City, after that, Adriel had been smart enough to cover his tracks. 

A hand on her shoulder brought her back to reality.

“Lilith!” A voice yelled. The woman turned to meet one of her sister’s eyes. It unnerved her how much time it took for her to put a name on her sister’s face. 

Mary - she was Mary, she knew Mary.  _ MaryMaryMary  _ \- was staring at her with her hands up, as if approaching a wild animal. Her confusion must’ve showed on her face because her friend added: “Lilith, let go of her.”

Only then did she realize that she had someone pressed against her, her claws at their throat. Camila whimpered lightly but stood otherwise still, not daring to move a single muscle. Lilith noticed then Ava and Beatrice too, a little behind Mary. Ava’s eyes were wide and filled with distrust - she was using her sword to support herself, probably tired from her previous outburst, but she looked willing to fight nonetheless. Beatrice looked calmer on the outside, but her muscles were taught and she was slightly leaning towards them, ready to strike. All of their heartbeats were racing and they reeked of sweat, but also fear.

Lilith felt a pang in her heart when she realized what - or better,  _ who _ they were afraid of.

The nun jumped away from them, self-hatred filling her veins with ice. Her other self sent a wave of calm determination, reminding her they had to get out of there.

“We have to go.” Lilith said, her stance relaxed and mask of indifference back in place as if nothing had happened. Her stomach disagreed though, churning with guilt and shame and making her feel sick. 

Just what had she become? And why couldn’t she remember what had happened to her?

Without waiting if the others were coming or not, Lilith started to walk in the direction of where she knew to be an underground parking. After a few moments of silence, she heard four sets of footsteps beginning to follow her.

* * *

The girls managed to find a van that fit all of them. As the others were exhausted, Lilith volunteered to drive. 

Silence reigned in the car as it ate away at the road, its headlights shining brightly, illuminating the otherwise dark road. They had chosen to take secondary roads as to not be spotted in case someone might look for them. 

One of Camila’s relatives lived not too far from Rome, so the sisters had decided to head their way in order to rest for a few days and decide on what to do next. 

Said girl was sitting next to her, while Beatrice was behind with Ava and mary, tending to the latter’s wounds as best as she could. Ava meanwhile was fast asleep, drained from the day’s events. Lilith could hear Camila’s clothes rustle with her nervous fidgeting. 

“I’m sorry.” Lilith whispered, swallowing her other self’s annoyance at the sound hitting her sensitive ears. Camila jumped a little before turning to look at her nervously. She blinked and smiled shakily.

“It’s okay. I’m okay” She answered.

_ ‘It’s not okay, not at all. I’m losing myself. I’m scared _ ,’ she wanted to answer, but her voice refused to work. Pity filled Camila’s eyes, and anger spiked deep in Lilith’s gut.

“Are you okay?” Her sister asked.

“I’m fine.” Lilith spat harshly. Camila’s smile dimmed. The girl turned her gaze out the window and silence filled the van again. 

It took them about two hours and a half to reach the place. It was a small manor situated on a small hill. When the van neared the house, the door opened, and a small woman stepped out, a rifle in hand. Lilith almost snorted. She could see the resemblance from a mile away, especially after what the others had told her about their escape from Cat’s cradle. 

“Oh you’re definitely related!” Joked Ava, finally awake. 

“If you are thieves you better turn back right this instant if you want to stay in one piece!” The small woman yelled with a surprisingly strong and deep voice.

Camila jumped out of the van immediately.

“Aunt Claudia! It’s me, Camila!” She exclaimed, a wide smile back on her face. The woman’s face brightened and she lowered the weapon. She grinned and ran to catch her niece in a hug.

“Camila! Oh dear, how have I missed you!”

“I have missed you too aunt.” She answered, breaking the hug and turning to face her sisters. 

Claudia’s face turned somber at seeing the state the nuns were in. Lilith and Beatrice were supporting Mary, while Ava staggered beside them, her steps a little clumsy. 

“You are not here for a surprise visit, are you?” She asked.

“No, we are not.” Camila confirmed.

Claudia sighed. “Bring her in,” she signaled to Lilith and Beatrice, who followed her into a surprisingly extremely cozy house. The woman signaled them to bring Mary upstairs. A long hallway met them, filled with doors on both sides. Claudia opened the third on the right- it looked to be a guest room. The walls were a warm yellow, the curtains and covers a deep red. The furniture, all made in oak wood, contributed to the room’s gothic look.

The girls laid their friend on the queen sized bed, then Camila came in with a first aid kit. Claudia ushered the girls out and closed the door. 

Lilith and the others stood in the hallway silent. None of them had the strength to utter a single word, too drained both physically and mentally. Even Ava kept her mouth shut, something that Lilith was mildly glad about.

Camila perked up after a while, offering to show the girls to the other guest rooms. Unsurprisingly, Ava and Beatrice wanted to share one - it didn’t take a genius or a supernaturally gifted person to sense the sexual tension building between the two. Yet, while they headed deeper into the hallway, Lilith started towards the exit of the house. 

“Lilith?” It was Ava. “Where are you going?”

Lilith hesitated, her back to her sisters, opening and closing her mouth a few times. Had she been looking back, she would’ve noticed the worried looks the girls exchanged with each other.

_ Where was she going? _ She had no idea. 

All she knew was that her other self was  _ hungry _ and  _ wanted out _ and Lilith did not want to discover what she was capable of while trapped in a hunger rampage. 

“I need some air.” She finally replied. 

Without waiting for an answer, Lilith left, closing the door behind her.

  
  


* * *

  
  


She came back only after the break of dawn. Her clothes were dirtier than before and tattered and her now silvery hair were matted. Before she entered, Lilith checked her sister’s heartbeats, they were still asleep. 

Claudia wasn’t. 

Lilith opened the door and stealthily stepped in. She went undetected upstairs and opened every door until she found a bathroom. A pile of towels was folded on a cabinet, ready for use. 

If while showering, Lilith checked what was the cause of the constant soreness she felt in her back lately and found two small lumps that definitely weren't there before, she didn't acknowledge it. Her other self was now a quiet, buzzing presence in the back of her mind - it was almost reassuring to feel it there, it meant she was never alone, although the reason why it was there she had yet to find out. A part of her was frustrated about the fact that she did not remember her permanence in Hell, while another was glad. Usually, one forgets traumatic experiences, so whatever happened there, it mustn't have been pleasant. Yet, Lilith had the nagging feeling that she was forgetting something significant - something she was supposed to do, a task of great importance. Her other knew and guided her with it in mind and Lilith felt left out in her own body, as if she had been sucked out of it and thrown into another one that did not belong to her. Not that she could exclude this theory either since she had a giant scar on her right hip covered in a silvery material, the same one that seemed to appear whenever she got hurt to heal her injuries.

Lilith had no idea what she was supposed to think. How had she even got back to this world? 

She supposed it was in the same way she had travelled other times before, disappearing from a place and reappearing in another in the blink of an eye. She had yet to figure out how this… ability worked - the previous times she had used it her other self was either in control or was spurring her from the background. 

If only she hadn't thrown herself in harm's way like that, for a girl that wasn't even part of their order. 

No, that was her legacy thinking. Ava may not have been a nun when she got the Halo, but she was a Warrior Nun no less and one of her sisters. It had taken Lilith more time than the others, but in the end she had seen in the reckless girl the real heroine she was born to be. The Halo had chosen her for a reason, and Lilith accepted that, although with the taste of acid in her mouth. She trusted Ava to become a great leader - and a great friend too.

Besides, Beatrice would never let her lay a finger on the girl. 

A soft groan reached Lilith's ears. It came from Mary's room.

Lilith, now clean and dressed with black sweatpants and a gray hoodie, tiptoed to her friend's room, spurred by a wave of protectiveness that belonged to both her and her other. Mary was laying on her back, still asleep - after all, it was the only time the woman really showed weakness. She would never allow her sisters to know she was in pain, too focused on being the shield of the group, strong and reassuring even when the odds were not in their favour.

It had taken Mary a long time to come around in the past, but once she had, she had never turned her back on any of them - she had supported them through thick and thin. Shannon's death had hit her really hard. Lilith knew it was becaused Mary felt guilty: she had failed in her mission to protect those she loved. She was not the one who had orchestrated the murder, but she might as well had been. Lilith wished she could tell her it wasn't her fault, be for her what Mary had been for the others - a shoulder to lean on, to cry on - maybe something  _ more _ , but she dared not to hope. She foolishly had in the past, she was not willing to make that same mistake twice. 

But even before her trip to Hell, Lilith had been incapable of dealing with emotions.

Showing no weakness, no fatigue, no sadness nor defeat was how she was taught to act ever since she was a child. Being born into a family built on honor was hard and it took its toll: Lilith was raised to become a member of the Order, trained to be next Warrior Nun, whether she had wanted it or not didn't matter. She had never known anything else outside of Cat's Cradle. Growing up with the mantle of her predecessors made her extremely competitive and aggressive. She trained hard, pushing herself past her limits, challenging her fears. Over time her pride got the best of her, turning into greed and spite. It had taken her a lot of time to realize it, and it had almost cost her the few sisters who were brave enough to push past her walls. 

She had sworn to never make that mistake again, to never become like her mother, yet she had again after Shannon's death. Cardinal Duretti had manipulated her easily and she had been too blind to see it, or worse, to acknowledge it.

Another whimper escaped Mary's lips. Lilith kneeled next to the bed and watched her friend sleep. Without thinking, she reached to grasp Mary's hand. The woman stirred but stayed asleep.

_ 'I see you' _ , she had told her. Lilith never thought anyone did. She knew she wasn't the most appreciated in the Order - it was her own fault, but still - but for no one to ever notice the fact that she tried to show affection in her own way was painful. Lilith had no idea how much she needed to hear those words until Mary had said them to her. 

Lilith allowed herself the smallest of smiles. She squeezed Mary's hand lightly.

"I see you too."

Light footsteps in the hallway allerted her that the others had woken up. Lilith straightened and went to open the door. Ava jumped away from where she was, a hand about to grip the door handle. 

"Lilith, for fuck's sake."

"Language."

"Yeah yeah whatever." The Halo bearer rolled her eyes. Then, her face turned shy with concern. 

"I just wanted to check how Mary was doing. Is she okay?" Her big brown eyes found Lilith's hazel ones. Lilith's face softened just a little.

"She will be. Mary's tough, I've seen her recover from worse." A small smile tugged at Ava's lips, then it disappeared as she stepped into the room.

"Still, it sucks that I get to heal from anything instantly and she has to suffer through weeks of pain. It's bullshit."

Lilith felt the urge to correct her about the healing part -  _ ‘we, not I’ _ \- but refrained. It was rare for the other girl to open up after all and Lilith knew how hard that could be. 

Besides, she didn't want Ava to raise her walls again - her heavily cynical defensive mechanism was quite irking. 

The door opened again and in stepped Claudia, followed by a fully dressed Beatrice and a tired looking Camila. 

"Breakfast is ready if you want. I'm just coming to change your friend's bandages and maybe see if she wants to eat something too."

"Of course." Lilith remarks softly before heading out of the room. Her other self disagrees however and Lilith falters in her steps, before closing her eyes, sighing inaudibly and continuing down the stairs.

Breakfast is a rather quiet ordeal. The girls eat their fair share of food each, all except for Lilith who explains she had already eaten, so she wasn't as hungry which was the truth - she  _ had _ eaten, she'd just rather not specify  _ what _ . Halfway into the meal Mary joins them, seating herself at the table and never uttering a single word. Her jaw is locked tight and her haze stuck on her plate - dangerous fury radiates from her form. 

Lilith lowers her head to hide her scowl, her own anger spiking at the memory of Father Vincent's betrayal. 

Her gaze falls on her now fully silver hair. If this was some sort of side effect of her trip to Hell, it was definitely not one she would have expected. Her hands unconsciously respond to her thoughts by starting to lightly play with some gray strands, caressing them and twirling them as if for the first time. Her hair felt the same as it always had, yet completely different. Would they ever change back to their original colour? What would her family think of it? 

Speaking of her family, the biggest question was another. Did they, like everyone else, think her dead? Had they had a funeral for her, mourned her and told each other's memories of her to remember her? Had they honoured her as a hero, or deemed a failure? 

"So," Camila's aunt finally broke the silence, "does anyone want to tell me why the fuck you're on the news?"

  
  


* * *

  
  


Claudia actually takes it much better than they thought she would. She silently listens to their explanation and asks questions - sure, maybe the whole part about demons was hard to believe but after Mary had flung a vase through Ava's phasing body she seemed to believe them. 

Once they finished telling their tale, the girls were about to discuss their next route of actions when Lilith jumped on her feet, her stance rigid. The girls called out to her but her gaze looked beyond them, unfocused. 

Without saying a word, she left, once again closing the door behind her. When Camila reopened the door a second later, Lilith was nowhere to be seen.

"What's up with her?" Inquired Claudia. 

The girls looked at each other for a moment, deciding whether or not to answer the woman. It was a delicate matter after all, one they had yet to discuss themselves.

Beatrice took matter into her own hands. "Let's just say she has been through a lot lately."

"Oh," Claudia blinked, "is her weird hair colour related in any way?"

"It is." Answered Camila. Claudia nodded before adding, "You won't tell me about her, will you?"

"No, we won't." Confirmed Mary. 

"Not yet, at least." Added Beatrice for good measure.

Claudia nodded, then she excused herself, returning to the kitchen to clear the table. Camila joined her, leaving Beatrice and Ava to bring a grumpy Mary back upstairs and into the bed. Although all of them found a way to keep themselves busy, they couldn't help but worry about their sister. The Lilith that had returned wasn't the same girl they knew - and whether they wanted to admit it or not, she was scary and possibly dangerous. 

They had to figure out what to do about her. And soon.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Lilith watched her other teleport her body from location to location, trying to sense Adriel anywhere. It seemed it had tired of waiting for the others to act, so it had chosen to take matter into its own hands. Lilith agreed with it, although she would have preferred to be warned first, or at least given a choice on the matter. 

In instants she was back in Vatican City, then in the outskirts of Rome, then on an overlooking hill, then in an old abandoned town. Places and places blurred together, confusing her sight, yet her senses had scanned all of those areas perfectly before moving onto the next. 

The more she blinked, the more her vision filled with flashes of red and blue. Fire and ice. 

Then, silver appeared. It filled her vision and left her breathless. 

The pain in her back intensified with each jump, along with a growing ringing in her ears. Lilith clutched her head, her hands pulling at her silvery hair. 

Silver. Silver!  _ Silver!  _

_ She hated that color so much. _

Her body hurt everywhere as if someone had suddenly filled her veins with liquid fire. The heat intensified to a point were it became unbearable. A scream tore from her throat.

The sound of bones snapping and skin tearing was heard. 

Then, it was over.

Lilith opened her eyes to a world of fire - one she didn’t recognize yet knew too well. She was at the top of a cliff, overlooking a village of scorched rocks and pouring lava. Tarasks patrolled its borders, their steps heavy and reverberating through the ground. Infinite deserts and massive jagged mountains dominated the horizon, their pointy peaks disappearing into black clouds of smoke. The only sources of light were the ever growing fires eating at the earth and its dead plants. 

The air was as rough as sandpaper, irritating her throat and crystallizing in her lungs. Strangely enough, she recalled it hurting a lot more than this. The first time she had lost consciousness only after a few moments of this agony, but it had been enough. 

Yet, this time it felt almost like breathing air filled with dust, with a degree of nuisance comparable to a slight itch.

Cries of anguish reached her ears. Her other purred in delight and Lilith had to fight the urge to throw up. Acid burned in her mouth. 

Slowly, Lilith got back on her feet, feeling both lighter and heavier at the same time. Stretching her arms at her sides to shake to soreness in her back, the woman was shocked to feel something else following her arms’ movements. 

Turning her head slightly to the right, Lilith glanced behind her back and promptly threw up - attached to her back, right to her shoulder blades, were a pair of large batlike _ wings _ . 

No, no, this could not happen. She was already a monster but she could still pretend to be human. How could she hide wings? 

Regaining her composure, Lilith breathed in deeply, then she coughed and mentally slapped herself for the gesture. Of course, she had another problem to deal with first - she had to get out of Hell.

_ Again.  _

Focusing her thoughts, Lilith did something she had never done before. She reached out to her other, freeing it from its cage. As she did, Lilith felt herself bond with it to the point where she didn’t know where it ended and she began. 

Opening a portal this time felt like child’s play. In the blink of an eye, she was back to her world, outside Claudia’s house. Her other retreated into the back of her mind on its own, as if satisfied. 

Lilith felt her wings retreat as well and looked behind her to see them gone. 

A sigh of pure relief escaped her lungs and the half demon closed her eyes and let herself bask in the sunlight for a few minutes.

It seemed she had a lot to work through and just as much to understand, but for the time being, she was just going to enjoy the fresh air.

Voices from inside reached her ears, and Lilith glanced into one of the windows. 

Mary and Ava were bickering over nonsense while Beatrice watched them amused and Camila covered her giggles with her hands. Mary’s eyes found Lilith’s moments later, as if drawn by an invisible force and the former allowed a soft smile to paint her face.

“I see you.” She mouthed with a mischievous glint in her look.

A genuine laugh escaped Lilith’s lips, before she started heading into the house.

The girls welcomed her back, choosing to ignore her sudden disappearance at the moment in favor of a few moments of relaxation. Lilith set in an empty spot on the couch, deciding to just watch her friend’s shenanigans instead of joining in.

Beatrice caught her attention with a hand on her knee. Lilith meet her gaze and returned Beatrice’s smile, nodding at the silent question.

Yes, she would be okay. In a way or the other, as long as she had these women by her side, she would be okay.

* * *

Bonus: 

“Holy shit you have wings!”

“Language!”

“Ok but you’re totally giving me a ride, right?”

“Why not?”

“Wait, are you serious?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t do it, Ava. It’s a trap.”

“Shut up, Mary. You’re just jealous.”

“No I’m good, thanks. But when she drops you midflight don’t come complaining to me.”

“What? No, she wouldn’t do that, right? You wouldn’t do that.”

“...”

“Fuck, that’s exactly what you would do.”

“Ava, language!”


End file.
